Unglued: Skewed Perspective

Philippians 4:4-5 NIV84
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

I have been struggling with what to write about this week's chapters.  There were some tough "ouch" moments for me.  I very much identified with some of Lysa's confessional anecdotes, all the while thinking "wow, yeah I feel that way/act that way/think that way.

I have not been gifted with any significant amount of gentleness either.  I jokingly comment to friends that compassion is NOT my spiritual gift.  Joking, and yet really not so much.  It's true.  Oh I can be compassionate, and I feel sympathy for others in painful situations or struggling with difficult circumstances.  But when it comes to someone whining or complaining about a situation that they have the power to change, but they just won't - yeah, I'm the one thinking "Just suck it up and deal already.  Either do something to change your situation or stop gritching about it."  Not so gentle.

And yet, I sometimes find myself whining, muttering to myself, about some small slight or some situation that just seems, to quote my 6 year old granddaughter, "NO FAIR!"  And honestly, at those times my perspective is totally focused on me.  I will grumble my frustration and bitterness, mostly inside my own head, until it is all blown out of proportion and more likely than not eventually I end up in the self-talk that says I am a loser, no one wants to be my friend, no one listens to me, no one really cares about anything I have to say, blah blah blah.

Am I rejoicing?  Not in the least.  Am I letting "my" gentleness be seen?  Not likely.  Am I grateful for all the blessings God has poured into my life?  Yes, but I'm not acting like it at these times.

Lysa's challenge in Chapter 8, to find an avenue to regain some perspective about what is important, to remind me to have gratitude for all I have, has resonated with me.  I think often about volunteering, about serving, about finding a way to make a small difference for the vast population of people who are hurting and lost and hungry and living in impossible situations.  But I never seem to get off my pockets and DO something about it.  My husband and I have been talking a lot recently about this very topic, and we have both agreed that it is important for us to find a way to serve in our community in some way beyond just giving money.

My prayer is that in accepting this challenge, I will find perspective that will help me show what gentleness there is in me, and that God will cultivate an increase in that gentle spirit that we are exhorted to show.  I know I cannot do it alone - I just don't have it in me.  But I have HIM in me, and he can do all things, and greater things, than I can ever dream.  It's all in the perspective.

Unglued - Who's in Charge Here, Really?

1 Peter 5:8 NIV84
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

 Self control.  Taming my tongue.  Not exploding.  Yeah, those things are so much easier said than done.  This week in Chapter 5, I highlighted a lot of passages, nodding my head in recognition of the truths I found there.  But I also had to acknowledge that I am, for the most part, an exploder.  Sometimes that explosion is external, and sometimes it is internal, muttering to myself, thinking all the things that I would like to say out loud but the people-pleaser in me will not allow it (which is probably a good thing, as I would most likely have a great deal less friends if it was ALL external exploding).  Sometimes, it feels like I'm the one doing the devouring . . .

Recently I was driving and radio surfing, which is one of my habits that annoys my husband to no end, but I was alone, so there.  An interview with Judge Lynn Toler of TV's Divorce Court came on, and I was going to change it but I was curioius to hear what she had to say (I don't watch the show but I'm familiar with it).  She talked about a lot of things, and made a lot of sense, and I found her insightful, intelligent, funny, and very honest.  One comment she made grabbed me by the throat and shook me like a rag doll, and it has been rolling around in my mind ever since, because it was SUCH a powerful truth.  And it applied to me personally on the money.  And when I began this study, this truth jumped up in my mind again because it so beautifully applies:

"We FEEL much faster than we THINK.  So take a pause for the cause, before you respond."

Oh, my, how true that is for us Exploders.  Our emotions race forward and out of our mouth before our mind even has a chance to assess the truth of the words we are spewing, to consider the person we are exploding at, what their meaning may have been, and certainly without allowing time to formulate a Godly response, or even to step away for a few moments (or days) before responding.  The feelings just tumble out and all over the person we are exploding at, blowing back on us as well like special effects blood spatter in a movie.  And then we are both a mess, and the Exploder, once our mind catches up with our emotions, is either embarrassed, shamed, sorry, angry at ourselves, defensive, or some combination of all of the above.

How many times I've wished I could reel those words back in my mouth once my brain and reason kicks in.  And sometimes, even more disturbing, once I get going I literally don't know how to stop the spewing.  I have shared with my husband that sometimes it's as though I'm standing back watching another person ranting and raving and spewing ugly and unkind words, the anger and frustration rising, drowning out that little voice of reason in my head that is saying STOP.  Just take a breath and STOP, NOW.

When it's one of those people-pleasing situations where I cannot say what I want to say in the heat of emotion, then the muttering to myself can build into resentment and I end up carrying those thoughts out into assuming all kinds of scenarios and putting all kinds of thoughts and intentions on the other person that have little to do with reality, but because I'm spewing inwardly, there is no opportunity to actually dialogue with the person and know the truth about them or share the truth about how I'm feeling.

I love this statement from Chapter 5 under Crafting My Response Template:

"I'm trying to remember not to let my lips or typing fingertips be the first thing that walks into a conflict."

So that's where I'm living this week.  Working on crafting my response template, and tattooing these words on my forehead . . .

 

We FEEL much faster than we THINK.

So take a pause for the cause.

Unglued - A Prisoner of My Own Design

I am doing an online Bible study on a book titled Unglued, by Lysa TerKeurst, and this week's chapter really punched me in the gut.  The title was "Prisoners" and basically it was about how we stick labels on ourselves that end up creating an internal prison, causing us to feel trapped by the way we choose to see ourselves, and unable to escape those labels we've put upon ourselves.

At the end of the chapter, I made a list of the labels I have placed on myself.  I wrote it quickly, without a lot of pondering or second-guessing (which, if you know me, was REALLY hard).  Because I have vowed to be transparent in this blog, I will share that list:

lazy
insecure
never finish/follow through
people pleaser
unfocused
no purpose or direction
don't use my gifts
afraid of failure
stuck
not good enough
procrastinator (I just added this one as I was typing the rest of this entry)

Yeah.  That is how I see myself, sadly.  And knowing it hasn't seemed to help me shake those labels, but maybe sharing it, and trying to make some "imperfect progress" toward change, learning from others in the study, and listening to what God has to say about it, can create a shift.  It's never too late.  At least I'm praying it's not.

The memory verse for this chapter is Eph. 2:15 - For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Well, in the interest of transparency, I will tell you that I don't find myself doing any good works, at least not any that I feel were prepared for me by God.  I find myself going to work, coming home, watching TV, looking at Facebook, chatting with my husband or a friend or two, doing chores, going to bed, and starting all over again.  At least most days. Sometimes I have a social activity with friends, I spend time with my kids and grandkids whenever I can, I attend church and sing on our worship team every Sunday.  But I never seem to make time for the things that might actually bring some personal growth, or teach me more about God's plan for me, or anything that might actually further his chiseling me into the person he wants me to be.

Instead, I tell myself I'm too busy, I don't have time, I'll get to it later when I have more time, I'm too tired, blah blah blah.  And of course if you look at my list of labels, all of those things fold into this kind of thinking.  For example, I started this blog in the summer, fully intending to blog regularly.  But I wanted to blog about our summer vacation, and started and restarted that entry multiple times, never happy with what I had written, and so I became stuck and could not seem to write anything.  So I never wrote a blog entry at all beyond the first one.  Until today. 

This is my first, wobbly and very imperfect, step towards following through on something I want to do and feel passionate about.  I love to write, I have aspirations to write a novel, I have a story in my head, but it's not on paper except for an outline, because of several things on the list above - fear of failure, never follow through, not good enough, lazy.  So first, I will try to form a habit of blogging regularly (one incentive there is the Blog Hop, a day of our online study where you can link to your blog post about the week's lesson).  And once that habit is formed, I will move forward, imperfectly, to actually putting my story on the page.  Messy.  Imperfect.  But on the page nonetheless.

I make a promise here that I will be back soon with another post.  Hold me accountable friends.  I need accountability to kick me in the tail and move me forward.